Wednesday, August 31, 2005

that is not it, at all.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail
       along the floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a
       screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
       'That is not it at all,
       That is not what I meant, at all.'
T.S. Eliot.

warm strangers.

We're here where the daylight begins
The fog on the streetlight slowly thins
Water on water's the way
The safety of shoreline fading away

Sail your sea, meet your storm
All I want is to be your harbor
The light in me will guide you home
All I want is to be your harbor


vienna teng - harbor! something sweet and inspiring. oh yes, i mused over this today... if i don't stop introducing myself as bean i'll be known as dr. bean when (and if) i finally graduate from medical school. which actually, doesn't sound too bad. :)

popped by dear old hwachong with the rest of the medicine folks today. we even sat in on mr chow's physics lect for a while. a year since we were tearing our hair out because of the looming prelims. many things - faces and feelings - have changed. i'm growing, and learning with the times.

need more motivation to work it! right now, even. wish you were here.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

play me a waltz if you will.










Strike up the band let it play
Love songs to haunt me and I will stay
But when it comes to a waltz
Both words and music will ring false

For you waltzed in and spun my world
Around in dizzy dance, I swirled
But suddenly, you waltzed away from me

Those violins, they must go
So no careless hand with a bow
May play on the strings of my heart
And make me remember how lovers part

My love returns to take my world
And spin it round in dizzy swirl
Where girl loves boy and boy loves girl
And feet don't touch the ground


the song above was played during dinner and dance yesterday! very, very pretty. the night was a blast! a dizzy amount of photo-taking with just about everyone and anyone, putting on my dancing shoes just for a while before the night ended... (then realising that the throat told me to go home.) shall upload photographs soon. right now, i'm enjoying the quiet sunday afternoon whilst reading my physiology textbook. monday, and a new academic week calls.

Friday, August 26, 2005

i will, because you've worn me down.

listening to yamagata on a day when everything seems hazy. i am just sick, sick, sick and it sucks. well at least i couldn't smell the formalin during anatomy prac today. dinner and dance is tomorrow, i really hope i'll be well enough not to waste a good night out with the funky OG.

and so it is, just like you said it would be. life goes easy on me, most of the time.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

weird and wonderful.

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talking to a friend just reminded me of two incidents that happened during the nice, long, piggish break.

  • ku and i almost decided to change flights a few days before we left for china in may. because the aircraft number was something like CA976, we thought that we were flying by china airlines, which has a particularly bad track record! i mean seriously bad. like ten crashes in thirty years! it didn't help that our tour agent only spoke mandarin... when we called to ask, i couldn't understand what she was saying at all! so after a lot of worry, i finally decided to utilise the internet (something i should have done sooner) and found out that CA stood for Air China and not China Airlines. and thus, we had a pleasant flight. somewhat. haha.

  • pea and i boarded our flight to swizzieland on the last call, when the gates were closing! we almost missed the flight! and all because we spent too much time in the shopping area, eating sushi and then subsequently calling all our friends on the free local calls phone. that was crazy.

    shall sleep soon because my throat is terribly rusty again, and anatomy is taking up too much of my brain's capacity. i need some organistion in what i'm learning...
  • the golden boy.

    And then he sang to her

    I love you for your silence, I love you for your peace
    The still and calm releases that sweep into my soul
    That slowly take control

    I love you for your passion, I love you for your fire
    The violent desire that burns me in its flame
    A love I dare not name

    Wednesday, August 24, 2005

    meditations.

    A billion stars go spinning through the night,
    blazing high above your head.
    But in you is the presence that
    will be, when all the stars are dead.
    Rainer Maria Rilke.

    Tuesday, August 23, 2005

    you love me?

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    it is at times like these that i like to think of happy things, things that make me smile. things like curling up with a good book, meeting a cherished friend for lunch... school is making me cranky, and i haven't studied enough today though i had the sweetest of naps in the afternoon. my thoughts stray to how i'll feel when friends like fifth wife finally leave me. it doesn't help that i don't actually have any other wives. escapism is the word, i need an escape from the wordly thoughts that plague my mind. medicine dinner and dance this saturday should be fun! am going in all white. and i'm looking forward to hwachong's mid autumn fest (MAF) celebrations too. though this year will be different- hwachong institution, i don't know.

    being overzealous about structure, i don't usually ramble like this.

    Monday, August 22, 2005

    muggertoaaads!

    joshualaaa

    joshua lam, who makes me laugh. photo taken with marcus's phone cam during muscles lecture today.

    i hate sad songs. :|

    Sunday, August 21, 2005

    anywhere is.

    What's this life anyway?
    What's it to you and me?
    What's it to anyone?
    Who are we supposed to be?
    Make me a storybook
    Write me away from here
    I need a different now

    Where we can wear each other for a while
    I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
    I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
    Happy after, once upon these days


    awwww this is so pretty. :) i've learnt new things over the quiet, restful weekend, and the night sparkles with newfound knowledge and self-awareness.

    the black amnesias of heaven.

    A smile fell in the grass.
    Irretrievable!

    And how will your night dances
    Lose themselves. In mathematics?

    Such pure leaps and spirals -
    Surely they travel

    The world forever, I shall not entirely
    Sit emptied of beauties, the gift

    Of your small breath, the drenched grass
    Smell of your sleeps, lilies, lilies.
    Sylvia Plath.

    Thursday, August 18, 2005

    sweet surrender.

    today was fun. :) after the first aid assessment in the afternoon, marcus and i met up with dear shauna and mari! haven't seen shaunie since may... and i feel like i haven't spoken to mari enough in a while either. it was comforting to sit on the steps of the central foyer and chat, even if just for a few moments. and i sat in marcus's new two-seater for the first time! the leg room is simply amazing.

    had dinner at ikea with my counsellor ningyi, my grand counsellor christine, my great grand counsellor alex and my favourite hwachong council pal ningqi. heard so much about medical school, clinicals, examinations, housemanship... i think i'm going to love being a medical student despite all the horror stories. this is what life is about, chasing that elusive rainbow beyond the yellow brick road and following your dreams to the ends of the earth.

    so blessed! shall go read up on upper limb anatomy now.

    Angel come on down from heaven yesterday
    Stayed with me just long enough to rescue me
    And she told me a story yesterday
    About the love between the moon and the deep blue sea

    Wednesday, August 17, 2005

    you're every colour.

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    ceiling at the bellagio, las vegas. photo from jiaxian.

    Tuesday, August 16, 2005

    it's not easy.

    i didn't realise he was already at the airport. the conversation that took place a month and a half ago came to mind... it was a strange feeling of sorts. the first to leave, the first of many more goodbyes, all of which are part of parcel of growing up and growing old.

    Will you stay with me, will you be my love
    Among the fields of barley
    And you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
    When we walked in fields of gold

    I never made promises lightly
    And there have been some that I've broken
    But I swear in the days still left
    We will walk in fields of gold


    to all whom i love so dearly, my heart bids thee well. carpe diem!

    sweet as green apples, you must be the one.


    You're toast and jam
    And you're cotton candy
    You're double rainbows
    Beside a setting sun
    You're wood burnin' outside
    There's a fire glowin'
    You're sweet as green apples
    You must be the one

    Monday, August 15, 2005

    i lie.


    i think there lies a morbid escapist pleasure in falling sick. now i do hate the actual state of being ill because the feeling just sucks. but being sick does permit one to escape from logical thought and adopt a suitably vacuous expression. kind of like how i automatically tend to behave when i am uncomfortable with the line of conversation.

    school has been a mad rush. i run after knowledge like a ferret down a ferret hole, says jeanette winterson.

    now it's alright, you can all sleep sound tonight. i'm not crazy, or anything.

    Saturday, August 13, 2005

    sugar, we're going down.

    I want to be able to look at you and not be hurt by you.

    spent a lazy, hazy day in school today! on a saturday too.

    i am thinking too much again, and we all know what heavy thinking does to you. i'll jog these thoughts away from my silly head later. perhaps i'll read up on membrane physiology tonight too.

    when in doubt, mug.

    Friday, August 12, 2005

    the dissection hall.

    i can't get the smell of formalin out of my head.

    sheesh.

    having said that, anatomy prac today was amazing! there is just so much to learn about life in the face of death.

    like a good book i can't put this day back.



    we decided to have a china trip outing! meeting purely by chance in a foreign land is always interesting. from left- watson, ku, thongkai, dennis and i. all the guys are leaving for studies overseas soon, so it was nice to meet and catch up. it was, in ku's words, very fun and funny.

    See the stars and all the planets
    Fly the great wide world and have it all
    Yeah better get a ticket, better get in line

    I'm praying now for beautiful weather
    Take a car and drive forever but I'm
    Only ever sitting at the traffic light

    Thursday, August 11, 2005

    you and reality.

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    i don't actually feel like this, yet. just thought this photo was adorable!

    my fatigue carried over from yesterday and made me quite the zombie today. i was grateful to be able to crawl home at lunchtime and get some much needed sleep! i foresee that i'll have to do a truckload of my own reading for lectures if i don't want to be too lost. we're somewhat going through the jc biology syllabus more in depth with some new concepts, so lects have been quite interesting.

    i'm listening to michael learns to rock! happy, sad songs with nice, simple lyrics. they remind me of my childhood. but the following lyric, it's from tracy chapman's telling stories.

    There is fiction in the space between
    The lines on your page of memories
    Write it down but it doesn't mean
    You're not just telling stories


    china outing at holland village tonight! haha. :)

    Wednesday, August 10, 2005

    the toad.

    Saturday I'm running wild
    And all the lights are changing red to green
    Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
    Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
    Only wish that you were here
    You know I'm seeing it so clear
    I've been afraid
    To tell you how I really feel
    Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made


    soooo shagged right now. time to adapt myself back to the muggertoad (strange word, but my brain has slowed down) lifestyle. my blog is becoming boring, just like me.

    Tuesday, August 09, 2005

    ack, am feeling under the weather. slight runny nose and parched throat... 'tis the heat, this is what it does to you.

    But if you could hide beside me
    Maybe for a while
    And I won't tell no one your name

    breathe out so i can breathe you in.

    lunch yesterday at munchie monkey's was fantastic! there were so many groups of friends around-- the OG, the councillors, hwachong friends, sngs folk... i took some candid shots of the OG.

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    andrew leong, enming and tengsoon. that's 03s78 sitting at the table behind us.

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    huilin! i think liwei took this. and there i am with celene in the background.

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    e-kang, andrew fang and joshua.

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    zhuanghui the fifth wife came to visit! benjy, me, wupo, pea.

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    class stayover at yvonne's gorgeous house. i took this picture whilst sitting by the pool.

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    diane! this girl's leaving for imperial college soon.

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    jiahui, jac and i. maddy and e'ching were trying to get into the photo behind.

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    with my favourite tee.

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    di and keesing!

    i don't have many photos, because i fell asleep at 1am and slept all the way till morning. what a lousy waste of stayover time! the fact remains too that i don't know how to play mahjong and that i'm terribly rusty at bridge. pity. it was great seeing the class again. we should do this more often!

    And I wonder when I sing along with you
    If everything could ever feel this real forever
    If anything could ever be this good again
    The only thing I'll ever ask of you
    You've got to promise not to stop when I say when

    Sunday, August 07, 2005

    crazy, what are you then?

    charlie and the chocolate factory was disappointing. i guess one's imagination would definitely be more vivid than the movie's portrayal of willy wonka's world. and the oompa loompas were just scary. for one thing, they were the same guy! and they sang ROCK songs and had elvis hair! well i had fun laughing with marcus and cel anyway... i still love tim burton's movies, the nightmare before christmas is a classic animated movie! but charlie was just not wondrous or beautiful enough for me.

    ack, lessons tomorrow already. and i still have yet to pack for the class stayover at yvonne's! am head-over-heels-happy to be seeing everyone again!

    love, and peace. :)

    truth.

    And I'd give up forever to touch you
    'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
    You’re the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
    And I don’t want to go home right now

    And all I can taste is this moment
    And all I can breathe is your life
    'Cause sooner or later it's over
    I just don't want to miss you tonight

    And I don't want the world to see me
    'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
    When everything's made to be broken
    I just want you to know who I am

    Saturday, August 06, 2005

    half the horizon's gone.




    What I am to you is not real
    What I am to you, you do not need
    What I am to you is not what you mean to me
    You give me miles and miles of mountains
    And I'll ask for the sea




    staying over meant driving out at 1am for ice-cream at swenson's twenty-four hour joint, dreamily returning to school to erm, support medicine float and sleeping on the floor of huilin's lovely room. hanging out with the OG was a blast.

    rather irked with the apple salespeople! apparently, i have to wait a few weeks for the green ipod mini when i was supposed to collect it today. bah.

    don't ask me about rag day at NUS. i think my brain wasn't functioning well because of lack of sleep. the weather was also so hot that we left early in the end. i expect my head is still half-baked now.

    charlie and the chocolate factory later! who stole my weekend?

    Friday, August 05, 2005

    baby's black balloon makes her fly.



    my very own labcoat! newly acquired from yunnan bookstore at bras basah complex. managed to get most of the textbooks i need for my first year in medical school today. thanks also to dennis who helped me carry the stuff.

    chuffed to bits about starting school proper! yes, even though there's a first aid test next thursday. i am after all, in zhuanghui's words, a hwachong mugger. meeting the funky orientation group for dinner later. we're staying over at NUS tonight, and we may sleep in the very sparse medicinal plant garden! it's sparseness is actually quite shocking.

    Coming down the world turned over
    And angels fall without you there
    And I go on as you get colder
    Or are you someone's prayer

    dizzy up the girl.

    Half the horizon’s gone for a skyline of numbers
    Half the horizon’s gone we’re working the numbers
    ‘Till I’m sick

    Sleep don’t pacify us until
    Daybreak sky lights up the grid we live in
    Dizzy when we talk so fast
    Fields of numbers streaming past

    I wish we were farmers, I wish we knew how
    To grow sweet potatoes and milk cows

    Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
    Where is the love?

    Thursday, August 04, 2005

    everlong.

    Love wounds. There is no love that does not pierce the hands and feet. Love's exquisite happiness is also love's exquisite pain. I do not seek pain but there is pain. I do not seek suffering but there is suffering. It is better not to flinch, not to try and avoid those things in love's direction. It is not easy, this love, but only the impossible is worth the effort.
    ...
    So when you ask me why I cannot love you more calmly, I answer that to love you calmly is not to love you at all.

    Jeanette Winterson, from The Powerbook.

    Tuesday, August 02, 2005

    honey and the moon.

    madly exhausted now. the past week has been good fun! don't think i've laughed so hard in a while. loo lin rocks!

    i think that you came too soon, you're the honey and the moon that lights up my night.

    when the right feeling comes at the wrong time.

    Monday, August 01, 2005

    love is a place.

    But I did, I can, I was, I am
    Only human, living, dying
    Just like any fool who's ever breathed
    If love is blind, if love's a drug
    It always is, it always was and
    Love was surely made for fools like me


    today was spent bumming with the orientation group at marcus's place. the folks from popeye have been very open and welcoming although i'm new, which is really nice. :) i'm rather sad though, that we were all prepared for the inauguration ceremony but missed it and thus were not erm, inaugurated as students of NUS. strange but true.

    talking with some of the hwa chong people over dinner today, i realised that i do miss my time in hc alot. perhaps we tend to only remember what was good, whereas all the painful memories simply fade away. now that school has started, there will be new relationships to build, new experiences to share and new memories to keep. in every moment, may there be a lifetime of possibilities.

    love is a place, and i live in love.