Sunday, December 27, 2009

I count the days now, just like I was counting before Mom left. Before, it was 'Mom has survived for 12 months since her diagnosis', now it is '2 months since Mom left.' It has been three months now, I don't really know if I feel much better. It's disturbing that we learn in psych that normal grief lasts 6 months. Doesn't everyone grieve differently and take varying lengths of time? At 6 months, will I be not thinking of her so much anymore?

There are times when I catch myself thinking, what if I did this, would Mom have survived a month longer? Then I have to remind myself that all that is inconsequential because Mom has already left. And then I get all upset because it is so permanent, Mom's life coming to a full stop and me having to go through the rest of my life without her.

Think there should be no time set to these things. But I know that the day I find myself no longer counting will be when I truly feel better.


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