Monday, December 21, 2009

I'll walk in the rain by your side.

It is the sudden discovery of things that remind me of Mom that really gets to me.

For example, a Christmas card from Pap's friends overseas addressed to him and her. They were not aware she had already passed on.

And me randomly flicking through the memory on our blood pressure machine to find Mommy's BP readings the night she fell ill and septic again. We brought her back to SGH afterwards. I remember that night so well now. She was tachycardic but her BP managed to hold up until one or two nights after admission. She had to be resusitated with fluids twice because her BP was dropping to 80/ 50. I remember the on-call doctors talking to me with their severe, solemn expressions... They had probably skimmed through the notes and thought, Hmmm, Terminal brain tumour, Acute Myeloid Leukaemia with Neutropenic Sepsis. There is no way out from death. Then Mom finally left us half a day later, the pneumonia overwhelming her immune system.

I was there when my Mommy took her last breath. I remember pulling her close, she was still warm. I remember kissing her cold face later on at the mortuary.

There are good days and bad days.

Sometimes I'm unsure of what I am crying about. Looking back, it was time for Mom to go. More time here would mean more suffering for her, though I admit I was desperate for those moments. I would have given anything for more time with her still healthy and smiling. If you've ever read George Orwell's 1984, I think perhaps it was the same desperation the protagonist felt when faced with his worst fear. My worst fear was her leaving me. But I guess the difference was that no matter how painful this reality was, I could not have wished it on someone else, unlike the protagonist in the book.

What is the after- like? I choose to believe there is one, because I know I am going to meet Mommy again.

Tired! And a lousy word to use, but rather emo today.


Blogger jingyi said...

hey dearest, i am very moved by your post. i know you're still working through things, there is no need to rush yourself because grief is a long journey. to me it is like the neverending search for meaning and reconcilation with the person whom you have lost, just that the battle to reconcile is yours alone.

just want to let you know that i'm with you, and sending you lots of love and warm hugs. ((:

7:44 AM  
Anonymous shera said...

hey my dear, keep writing ok? writing out what you realli feel helps alot in healing...

some things take alot of time, but it's time well spent when you finally realise you can come to terms with how you feel...closure always takes time and alot of effort...

i hope you continue to be strong as you have always been, bcos there are so many of us still supporting you from the sides :)

praying for you my dear bean :)

8:58 AM  

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